Scared

I am scared. Scared of falling. It doesn't matter what it is, I am scared.
If I am on top of a rock, I start to tremble so much that I am afraid to move, to jump across to the next rock. It means that I am afraid to trust people, I am afraid that they will drop me and I will fall to the ground. In my life, I haven't trusted too many people not to let me fall. I can count it on one hand. And surprisingly, there are a few people that I am surprised to make the list. There is one guy who I trust with anything and yet most days I absolutely hate him. But if he offers his hand, I know that he won't drop me. Its a little crazy who you trust and I am not sure why I trust him.

Photography

Lately I've been getting into photography. So much so that I got my dad's old slr camera fixed and I bought a new DSLR camera. To celebrate, I have started a new project. Starting January 1, 2010, I decided that I would take one photo a day. I am very excited about the project.

I hate the holidays

i really really hate the holidays. i start to get depressed about a month before christmas. i can feel it start happening just before thanksgiving. this feeling that i just have to escape. that i need to carve out a space of my own and hide within it.

I hate that...

I hate that every time I go to sleep, I can’t help but remember you and me.
I hate that I want to tell you about everything that happens in my life,
I hate how much I still love you
Despite all of my best efforts
I hate that I broke your heart because you were slowly breaking mine
This is what I know.
You are in every breath that I breathe
You are in every thought

Funny

It's funny. The more you try, the less offers that you get. For awhile I was passively looking for someone to date. Someone fun and quirky. And then I stopped looking. Work and school just got too hectic for me and I would rather sleep then go out with friends. Monday I got two different offers from guys to go out. And then Wednesday one of the guys asked if I wanted to go out to eat or drinks. I felt bad for him so I agreed to go out with him on Saturday. And on Sunday I have a double date with someone else. The minute you stop looking, something finds you. Now all I need is a date for Friday night and it will be a good weekend no matter what happens.

At the same time, I know that if you were to sign up with a site like eharmony, you would find a lot of potential dates. You would be looking and you would find someone. But the idea of finding someone online kind of scares me.

Questioning

Here are a few questions that I have always had.. What is the difference between like and love? Like is such a puny thing when compared to love... and yet, you making this huge jump between like and love. And if it is more then liking and less than love, what do you call it? I always call it falling. You know there is going to be one thing that is going to push you over the edge and into the abyss known as love. And then, what is the difference between love and in love? It is a huge difference. But linguistically its such a small difference. It is just one word. One tiny, two lettered word. But mathmatecally it is a huge jump. You'd do anything for someone that you are truly in love with. And how do you know if someone is the one? What is "the one"? If you don't know what the one is, how do you know if you have found him?

I miss this

I miss having a guy that I can tell everything to. Like the other day, I went fishing for the first time in my life and I didn't have a boyfriend to tell it to. I was so tempted to tell an ex about it because he would be so impressed. But at the same time, I didn't want to bother him. I didn't want to make him think about me unnecessarily. But I know he would be proud and that he would have never expected it of me.
So it got me thinking, that if I am not careful I will end up with a boyfriend just so that I will have someone to tell things to late at night. So that at 10pm I can go to bed and talk to him for a half hour about everything that is happening in my life. Because that right there is what I miss the most. Lying in his arms and telling him about my day. About my life. About my past. Things that I have never told anyone before. I miss that.