I hate the holidays

i really really hate the holidays. i start to get depressed about a month before christmas. i can feel it start happening just before thanksgiving. this feeling that i just have to escape. that i need to carve out a space of my own and hide within it.


I hate that...

I hate that every time I go to sleep, I can’t help but remember you and me.
I hate that I want to tell you about everything that happens in my life,
I hate how much I still love you
Despite all of my best efforts
I hate that I broke your heart because you were slowly breaking mine
This is what I know.
You are in every breath that I breathe
You are in every thought



It's funny. The more you try, the less offers that you get. For awhile I was passively looking for someone to date. Someone fun and quirky. And then I stopped looking. Work and school just got too hectic for me and I would rather sleep then go out with friends. Monday I got two different offers from guys to go out. And then Wednesday one of the guys asked if I wanted to go out to eat or drinks. I felt bad for him so I agreed to go out with him on Saturday. And on Sunday I have a double date with someone else. The minute you stop looking, something finds you. Now all I need is a date for Friday night and it will be a good weekend no matter what happens.

At the same time, I know that if you were to sign up with a site like eharmony, you would find a lot of potential dates. You would be looking and you would find someone. But the idea of finding someone online kind of scares me.



Here are a few questions that I have always had.. What is the difference between like and love? Like is such a puny thing when compared to love... and yet, you making this huge jump between like and love. And if it is more then liking and less than love, what do you call it? I always call it falling. You know there is going to be one thing that is going to push you over the edge and into the abyss known as love. And then, what is the difference between love and in love? It is a huge difference. But linguistically its such a small difference. It is just one word. One tiny, two lettered word. But mathmatecally it is a huge jump. You'd do anything for someone that you are truly in love with. And how do you know if someone is the one? What is "the one"? If you don't know what the one is, how do you know if you have found him?


I miss this

I miss having a guy that I can tell everything to. Like the other day, I went fishing for the first time in my life and I didn't have a boyfriend to tell it to. I was so tempted to tell an ex about it because he would be so impressed. But at the same time, I didn't want to bother him. I didn't want to make him think about me unnecessarily. But I know he would be proud and that he would have never expected it of me.
So it got me thinking, that if I am not careful I will end up with a boyfriend just so that I will have someone to tell things to late at night. So that at 10pm I can go to bed and talk to him for a half hour about everything that is happening in my life. Because that right there is what I miss the most. Lying in his arms and telling him about my day. About my life. About my past. Things that I have never told anyone before. I miss that.


I hate nagging

This is what I don't understand. Girls who are constantly nagging their boyfriend, wanting them to check in. I've never once asked a boyfriend to call me and tell me where he is. And because of that, I have always had boyfriends who tell me what they are doing. Sometimes they call and tell me what they are doing that night and they want to know what I am doing. And the girls that nag their boyfriends? They only know what their boyfriend is doing when they call and ask them about ten times. It seems to me that if you act like you don't care, the information will come your way.

Or what about asking your boyfriend to pay more attention to you. It seems very desperate to me to ask him to pay more attention. If I ever feel slightly neglected, I won't pay as much attention to him. I pay less attention to me then he does to me. And what do I get? I have a boyfriend who is super attentive. Kissing me and getting me a drink. Problem solved. And what about the girls who were asking for more attention? Still asking.


Sometimes Goodbye is a Second Chance

Tell my mother,Tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life
I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying...
Sometimes goodbye
Is a second chance

This is one of my favorite chorus from a song (keep in mind that I love music, so I have a lot of favorite lines, songs, and choruses). I think that in life you have as many chances as you want to have a better life. It's not just one chance. You can leave everything you know behind and give yourself a second chance. Saying goodbye to everything that you know doesn't have to be a bad thing. It gives you a chance at a better life. So I think that we should all take a step back and make sure that the life we have is the one that we want. If it isn't, then do everything that you can to change it and make your life the version that you want it to be.


Society Says

This is something that I have been thinking about lately. Sometimes it seems like everything would just be easier if I would just go along with what society seems to want and find myself a boyfriend. A few weeks ago, when I was kissing Jack, I thought, it would just be easier if I went along with it. It wasn't something that I wanted, but if I just agreed with him, it would have made him happier and would have made the entire situation less awkward.
Everything that I know seems to be telling me one thing: get a boyfriend. But what if a boyfriend is the last thing that I want?


Treat me Right

I don't know about you, but the more that I see my friends in relationships, the less I want a boyfriend. It just seems to me that my friends are settling. They are with someone who just doesn't seem to treat them right.
Like today, I was with one of my best friends and her boyfriend, and he kept on yelling at her and at one point she responded to him when he said bitch (he was talking about a woman in the car next to us, but she responded). It just seems like she doesn't respect herself enough if she is with him. If my boyfriend called me a bitch, especially in front of my friends, he would get an ear full and maybe even a smack on the face.
It comes down to this. If you let someone walk all over you, you aren't secure with yourself. You constantly yearn to be in a relationship because that is where you feel happy. But you can never truly be happy unless you are secure with yourself.


First Kiss

I still remember my first kiss. I was 16 and we drove all around Upland trying to find a hotel party. I had a few drinks and for the first time in my life, I was drunk. I was lying on one of the beds, my arm pushed against Raven's. Raven was a girl I went to high school with and she was making out with my best friend, Marie. All of the guys were watching them and taking pictures on their cell phones. My eyes were closed, when all of the sudden, Raven's lips were on mine. It lasted for about a second, but the boys were still egging her on when she leaned down for a second kiss.



I'm never going to claim that he was perfect because nobody is. It is the imperfections that we fall in love with. I love the way that he knew when something was wrong and he always knew exactly how to make me talk. He would drive me absolutely insane until I wanted to beat him up, then I would tell him what was wrong and he would just hold me. He was my first love and I wish I never had to say goodbye, but not being able to see him was breaking my heart.
He would always tell me that I would see him soon. He would say that the last month in June he would come out here. And then July came and I still hadn't seem him. I would get so excited and then my heart would fall and I would be in the car crying my eyes out afraid that I would never get to see him.
To this day, I still love him. My heart still skips a beat when I hear his name. And then I have to remind myself that they aren't even talking about him. Its someone else. I still get nervous when I talk to him and I always wish that I could hold him one more time.


Halloween Weekend

This past weekend was Halloween. I've always thought that Halloween showed the true personality of people. I know some people that hate Halloween to their very core, although personally it is one of my favorite holidays.
Most of the girls my age will wear very revealing costumes and other girls who are modestly dressed. Personally, I like looking sexy without showing everything for the whole world to see. I like knowing that if I bend over, no one will see my underwear. And I think that guys appreciate it. They know that I respect myself and have an inner confidence.

This Halloween my confidence was definitely shaken (for about thirty seconds). I was at a costume party with my friends (the third one of the night) when I glanced across the room, and saw HIM. His name was Dan and I went out with him for about a month. When I was dating him, it was the first time that I didn't care what happened, I was just dating to date. Just when I started to think that maybe this fun could mean a little bit more, he stopped talking to me. He didn't call me or anything. A few months later a close friend of mine ran into Dan and he asked about me. The very next night, he apologized and said how much I meant to him. He failed to mention the fact that he was engaged. He looked exactly the same the other night. The same dulled expression and scared skin. He didn't even say hi to me. And I didn't want to go back to that time, so I pretended like I didn't recognize him. Perhaps I should have said something, but I didn't want to hurt the poor, scared, and spineless woman that he was with. Because I know if I was ever cheated on, I would be one little spit fire. He would regret the moment he ever even thought about cheating on me.


The Beginning

This is where it all begins. It has been exactly 8 days since my last kiss. But that kiss wasn't exactly desired. I was at a friend's welcome home party, and another friend (Jack) was talking to me all night. When I went to the bathroom, he was right there standing outside of the door. And when I opened the door, he was blocking my only way out. He pushed his way on me and started kissing me. Which smashed me against the bathroom counter and my drink against my chest. When he started closing the door, I knew that I needed to get out.
And that leaves us with, my last perfect kiss. Which occurred on April 12, 2009. The day that my ex-boyfriend (boyfriend at the time) left town and moved 600 miles away. Even though that kiss was filled with tears from a broken heart, regret that I might never see him again, and a love that I had never experienced before, it is one of the kisses I measure every other kiss against (and every man).
Maybe it means that I spend too much time looking for that spark, that I miss what is right in front of me, but I think that you should spend the rest of your life looking for the kiss that changes your life.